This week, Ero-Philips talks about losing her essence as a person. She eventually finds solace in taking decisive action and embracing faith.
Hello,
Have you ever felt like you’re losing your essence as a person? The other day, my sister showed me a couple of things that she had written. She was reluctant to share them for a while, because she assumed that I might critique them. And I on another hand was wondering why she didn’t want to share them. She said she didn’t want to because, I’m “the writer of the family”. I smiled.
Masking my pain beneath the smile. Because, ironically, “the writer of the family” had hit a stone wall. I was finding it most difficult to write. To express how I am feeling, and how much I am feeling. And seeing that writing is one of the few outlets that I have, it was overwhelming. I was crying at the slightest provocation. Stress eating and binge watching everything. Shutting myself off from other people. Because I didn’t want another human being to bear the brunt of all the frustration that I was feeling. I was angry. My mind, a powerhouse that it is, seemed to have abandoned me. I was forgetting tasks and being unable to properly process my thoughts. I tried to write these letters, I couldn’t find the words.
I was flunking one of the few things that I could do effortlessly. Self-express via writing. And because I had being down this path before, I knew that it was a downward spiral back to the alcohol and meaningless sex. But I still could not find my way out. So, eventually I just stopped trying. Because, being in a rot can be like being in quicksand. The more you struggle in the wrong direction, without help outside of yourself, the deeper you sink. So, I made an effort. I made calls, spoke to people whom I believed could help. People who might not have all the answers but would remind me that they have my back, and gradually the burden started to lift. In all honesty, I had to talk to God, sincerely with all the tears and the mucus, before I started to feel significantly better but feel better, I did.
So, what’s the point of this, you ask? I can’t give you a definitive answer. Except that you might not realize that even your supposed role models struggle. And, when nothing seems to be working. Stop trying for a bit, analyze the situation, as if for the very first time and try something different. I wouldn’t advise you to stress eat like me, unless your only body goal is to be alive sha.
PS: I’m still having trouble properly articulating, so please bear with me. This letter is short but hopefully the following ones will be longer.
