This week. Guess what? Ero-Philips speaks on her struggles with faith. Real struggles. Have you ever felt God was far-way? Or have you ever felt odd when people professed their spiritual encounters and you had nothing to share?
Hi there, let me tell you a story.
When I was growing up, I had this bicycle. Well, it was for my sister but that’s not important. So, yeah, the bicycle wasn’t in its best shape. It was old and kinda tired. My mom would scream at us not to ride it, and especially not to put our little sister on it. She was about 2 years old or so. My mom was fiercely protective of each of her children. At the time, I for one found it rather stifling. I hated being doted on. I felt like I had outgrown the effusiveness of it all. Now, I miss it. My mom and I didn’t always get along but she cared and it was clear as day. That’s not how I feel about God.
With God, it based on theories and whatnot. People telling you how you should feel. “Oh this terrible thing happened, thank God because it could have been worse”. Well, it could have not happened at all and life would still be great. I feel like God plays tinko tinko with my life, sometimes. Like the angel that ought to be in charge of me, usually do sleep on duty. Does this make sense? I once heard someone say, “You’re not that important, for God to use and dump you”. I can’t tell you how that comment made me feel.
Have you ever felt like God is careless with you? Because I’m no stranger to that feeling. When I begin to ponder the bad experiences that I have had, it baffles me that there’s a God, whom have been told countless times, that He loves me more than anything in the world. That He would send his son to die for me. It’s crazy. It drives me crazy. Because I sometimes feel like since someone had to shed their blood, so that I can be alive, why not protect me, like an egg. Make sure that nothing goes wrong me, ever. Make Blood of Jesus no go waste. So, when people walk up to me to tell me that God loves me, it seems like they’re just guessing. That maybe God loves some people, and they just assume that I’m part of the lot.
But am I?
A close friend asked me to believe in God, in spite of some of the slip-ups in my life but I don’t know how to do that. If I am being honest. Do you decide that a person is good or bad, without considering that things that they have done, your experience of them? I don’t know. And everyday I try. Try to believe that I’m that important to God, but I struggle. Really struggle. Truth is, there are times when wonderful things happen. And I know that it can only be God. But when you say that God is good. I’ll chuckle if you say “All the time” because that is not my reality.
Maybe this is why my pastor keeps preaching about faith. The utter and total trust in God and his goodness. And till my trust is complete, what am I supposed to do? Fake it till I make it? State my truth or just keep my opinions to myself?
There’s also the thing of it being impossible to love someone that you don’t trust. So, am I fraud when I call myself a God-lover? I really want to be but it’s skittish. Faith eludes me. I have read Bible stories and I’ve gotten some inspiration from some of them but to be honest, the stories seem to far away. Like they’re not my immediate concern. Sarah was preparing baby mama for her husband, me I just want to know what the plan is, so that I can align myself to it.
Let all this self-doubt and second-guessing just stop.
