Alake, 25, rants about her recent sex-capade, family pressure to try marriage, and her ordeal with manipulative men.
Growing up, my mum always shared stories of how she got married at 25. Although, she didn’t expressly communicate her expectations, my sisters and I got the cue and I dare say that her non-verbal communication communicated with my brain and it formed the basis of my relationships. I dated my first boyfriend for a year plus and I would get furious anytime he spoke of break-ups. Reflecting on it now, brings to fore fresh perspectives like “Was I scared of losing him because I actually loved him or was my mother’s notion of dating so embedded in my sub-conscious that I couldn’t imagine not following in my mother’s footsteps”.
As you can guess, I have dated after him and I’m very much single!
To give you a bit of my background, I come from a family of four girls, I am the third child and one of my older sisters is still unmarried though she’s in her late twenties. The pressure from our aunties, family friends, the subtle side remarks and recurring prayer point during the family devotion almost drove my sister to make a regrettable mistake. (I’m open to hooking her up). An experience I will never forget is a call I got from my Dad’s friend on a Saturday morning at around 6:00am asking about my plans and when I was planning to bring home my man. Telling him about my desire to pursue my master’s degree was definitely a wrong decision because he not only narrated how I was conceived, he offered to set me up (I was in shock! This is a man that has never contributed to my development and his first son, my age mate, was also still figuring his life out).
Anyhoo, 2020 has definitely taught me valuable lessons and I’ll start with my recent sex-capade.
I met this charming son of Eve (his manipulative skill is second to none, Eve must be his godmother!) and we hit it off. He was charming, tall, right dose of naughty, not drop-dead gorgeous but like I told him: “You’re a diamond…” But, in his words, “I don’t do commitments and entanglements because the idea of committing to an individual when I can have others doesn’t make sense. Even though, you’ll probably the only one I’ll be seeing at the time, I still wouldn’t want to limit my options”. That was definitely a red flag for me because he didn’t want to give me the security that I have come to know from my mother’s story but like a stubborn goat, I just couldn’t resist. I had the most fun with him, he made me feel things I’ve never felt before but when feelings were crippling in, I ended things abruptly (In my defense, I knew what I was getting into and I didn’t want to set myself up for a heartbreak). I thought I could handle it actually and one question I asked myself is “Are my feelings true or are they based on my need for stability in my relationship life? Do I actually like him or am I trying to satisfy my mother’s unspoken desire? Do I want to get married to fill a void in my life or is that what I truly want not because the society has shown us the traditional conventions that we were meant to follow?”
I’ve met a lot of my contemporaries who got married out of fear, expectations, seeming love and other unfathomable reasons and I want to ask them “Is it worth it?”
Being single but under intense pressure is better (in my opinion) than being married and going through unexplainable misery in marriage especially if your family frowns at the concept of divorce. I am in no way downplaying our parent’s reasons one of which is (A young woman has limited time — biology stuff) but can you please understand that there are a lot of reasons why I’m not married? (I’m still trying to figure out my life, I haven’t found what I am looking for and yes, that is a tenable excuse).
Truthfully my sexcapade with Akanni taught me to have fun but will I subject myself to such a precarious situation again? Most definitely not! I understand the traditional expectations of the society in our career, relationships, finances, goals and achievements overwhelm us that we forget to just take a moment to have fun. Chill! It will all come together and if it doesn’t, it definitely made an amazing story. I’m open to having fun within the confines of a loving relationship not dictated by the expectations of my parents, nosy family friends, with enough drama of their own, but definitely anchored on LOVE. Another lesson I learnt is understanding why I want to be married, and it isn’t because of my mother’s unspoken expectations because she’s in for a shock (I don’t want a church wedding; I want to wear a Palazzo pant and not the traditional gown, I want a man that breaks all conventional rules and I don’t want her siblings at my wedding). I want the institution because it challenges my personality traits and it probably doesn’t make sense but if your attention span is short, committing to loving just one person everyday with their flaws and weaknesses is a win in itself.
So until I meet a man that breaks all conventional rules but commits to loving me regardless of my flaws, I’d say that our generation wrestle with battles some of our parents didn’t fight which makes it harder and even though they’ll never understand, succumbing to their expectations to settling down when you’re not ready for it is a battle on its own. I know I will hold on to my decision regardless of my mother’s emotional blackmail. You should too!
Please share your experiences and battles on this issue. I’d love to know that I’m not alone. You can also engage safe space’s discussions on twitter and instagram via this link: linktr.ee/twentieslive
