*our EPL review by Ayokunle reflects the state of the English Premier League as at 26/05/2023 with only very few matches to spare to the conclusion of the season.
This season in the Premier League has had it’s ups and downs for sport lovers and sport haters alike. A lot of predictions were made which frankly didn’t go well. A lot of people continue to ask what is “CASHOUT”? While some continue to pour their school fees and life savings into the abyss of trying to cashout. It is hope that kills, verify from Arsenal. We will be going through the highlights and lowlights of this season (for the sake of comprehension, lowlights as far as we’re concerned is a synonym for Chelsea Football Club).
- Anyways, at the top of the table we have our league mafia bosses, Manchester City, who have once again clinched the Premier League title making it three seasons in a row with a few games to spare. They’re the most serious contenders for a treble this season, but all the gusto and finesse they possess has failed to secure them a home run against Tottenham. Man City’s success is English football history at it’s peak.
- Arsenal. Frankly, we didn’t want to waste space to document Arsenal’s woes this season. But here’s the major lesson from Arteta’s squad: “False hope is an Arsenal, it shoots and kills”. The North London title pretenders left every other competition to focus on the Premier League and still fumbled it. Arteta’s annoying touchline antics and even going as far as purchasing a dog called “Win” to help lift the mood of his all came to waste like the sacrifice made by Gabriel Jesus on the cross of the Emirates Stadium. One thing that is worth celebrating however is that they have secured a coveted spot at the Champions League (We hope Arteta purchases another dog called “don’t kick me out” so get at chance at the Champions League group stage).
- Congratulations to the latest crude-oil money on the block, Newcastle. The “New” in “Newcastle” is an indication of new money. We’re sincerely happy for Eddie Howe and every team mate whose effort has secured “New Money” a spot in Champions League football for the first time in 20 years. There’re reports that Portuguese, Saudi-based Tiktoker, Cristiano Ronaldo, might even have a clause in his contract with Saudi employers allowing him to play for Newcastle should they qualify for the Champions League. Okay.
- Manchester United. Wow, Manchester United. Despite a. 7-nil demolition by the hangman, Liverpool, Ten Hag’s side ended a six year trophyless drought and would be facing league leaders, Manchester City in the Fa Cup final. We could have offered our thoughts and prayers to Red Devils. Unfortunately, the devil doesn’t pray.
- Liverpool are expected right where they belong. At the Europa League. (Go ahead, take offence). They won’t be. walking alone to the Europa league, Brighton is accompanying them. Anfield sounds like quite a good place to host matches on Thursday nights. The highlight of Liverpool’s season was strangling Manchester United. If only a trophy existed for that.
- A hearty congratulations to Brighton who have secured an European football spot. There’s been a remarkable Aston Villa this season and although they are currently grappling for seventh place with Tottenham, you can’t lose light of the complete turnaround that has occurred in the club.
- On to Tottenham Hotspur, our top six spot pretender who have perfected the science of scoring a goal before half time and conceding between the ranges of two, four and six before the end of the game. How they are eighth on the table baffles us. Imagine having the second highest goal scorer in the Premier League without a trophy to show for it. Tottenham needs a shaking up.
- Good luck to Brentford, Fulham and Crystal Palace who remain in the Premier League, with Fulham just arriving from the Championship.
And to one of our major focus for today – Chelsea, sitting pretty at twelfth place like the roadside hooker that it is. Chelsea has educated us all that money cannot buy happiness or in this case – goals. The entire squad combined might finish this season with the same number of goals as Erling Haaland. We’re actually rooting for the entire Chelsea squad to have more goals than the Norwegian star. Then, they all can collectively win the golden boot and create a timetable around when and how long each player can hold the coveted boot for. Despite investing in new players and coaches over and over again, they are on course to finishing this season with their lowest points ever. We can’t banter Chelsea that much since they’re too far away from the top of the premier league table and our hands can’t reach them. A few other teams have their focus on the European champions league, Chelsea should be looking towards the Second Division Championships.
- Congratulations to Wolves, West Ham, Bournemouth, Nottingham Forrest, Everton for remaining in the Premier League. Nottingham Forrest and Bournemouth recently arrived from the Championship. Although, these list isn’t set in stone, the last set of matches wood serve as a decider as to who remains in the Premier League.
- To Leicester City and Leeds United who are on the brink of relegation, do send our regards to the management at the second division Championships. You would notice their names start with an “L” for reasons best known to destiny.
- Things went south for Southampton, and their fate has been sealed. James Wade-Prowse free kicks would be missed, the next free-kick he takes might land in the second division.
Although a few deciding matches are still to be played. What a season it has been.
I remain Ayokunle, “Fun & Games” space handler at safe space & your most ruthless sports analyst. Till next time, bants & love.
